The marketing people who come up with names for pre-colonoscopy prep medications probably think that they’re a funny group of creative geniuses. The products all seem to have names like “Quick and Clear”, “Flow Freely”, and “Coming Through” which should probably help the user mentally prepare for what is to come. But, sadly, this is not always the case.

When we reached the home of one such person, we didn’t know he was doing his pre-colonoscopy cleanse. His wife let us in and explained that the patient was in the bathroom and had been in there all day. But, she said, he’d be out in a minute. That minute turned into many minutes. When he did come out he had a face that told of agony and he said he had never had bowel issues like he had now. He had been on the toilet all day. Not knowing what was actually going on we questioned him about his eating habits and other possibilities that could have caused these issues. But then he told us he was fasting for a procedure the next day. What kind of procedure? A colonoscopy.

He was going in for a routine procedure because he had just turned 50. His MD had prescribed something called “Quick Flow” which was designed to completely empty his bowels. “Did you read the box?” I asked. He nodded. “It looks like this is supposed to happen.” We proceeded to do a quick exam and evaluation.

“Oh no,” said the man, “There’s no way this is normal. This is way too much. It made me sick. There’s something wrong.”

I studied the box. “I’m pretty sure this is exactly what is supposed to be happening.”

“How would you know?” he snapped. I asked if he had called his doctor. “I did,” he said. “My doctor wouldn’t even talk to me. The girl in the office told me everything was normal too. BUT HOW DO THEY KNOW?! This is awful. That stuff, they must have given me a bad box. I’m bringing it with me so I can show them at the hospital.”

He just needed to use the bathroom one more time before we went. We could hear him moaning behind the door. When he came out we made sure he really wanted to go to the hospital. He looked at us like we were crazy. “Of course! I’m a sick man!” he yelled. We eventually went to the truck and although we made it to the hospital quickly, as soon as we got there he ran out to use the bathroom in the ER. Unfortunately it was occupied.

“Nurse!” he begged the first person he saw, “Please, tell me where there is another bathroom!” She told him there was only one and directed him back to the occupied one. He went over and started pounding on it. “Please! Please!” he yelled. Soon his begging turned into anger. “What the hell are you doing in there?!” It was only a matter of time before a brawl ensued.

He had traded in his nice, clean, familiar bathroom for a less desirable one in a crowded hospital.

It turned out that there was another person at the ER at that time using a similar, snarky named product for the same reason. It was just one more person our patient would have to fight with over the same toilet. An ER doctor noted that they frequently get this situation. He rolled his eyes over it. I asked if maybe the procedure wasn’t explained fully but he shook his head. “This is the biggest thing they do, I’m sure they go over everything step by step.” He then asked me to read the box. It was very accurately spelled out in capital letters:

“WILL CAUSE SIGNIFICANT DISCOMFORT AND FREQUENT BOWEL MOVEMENTS. LEAVING THE HOME IS NOT RECOMMENDED.”

“The sad thing,” said the doctor, “Is that, because they’re here, a lot of them miss their appointment the next day. And then they have to do it all over again.”