The manager of a fast food establishment had called 911 to have a couple removed from one of their rest rooms. The police arrived and then requested EMS when it was discovered that the woman was in labor.

In one of the most bizarre situations I have ever encountered, the couple wanted to have their baby in the bathroom. When they heard the officers calling for an ambulance they had begged them to cancel us. No one quite knew what to make of the situation.

It was the first pregnancy for the woman and her contractions were far apart. She was a small, slim girl who, with her gingham dress, looked more farmer than fast food aficionado. She had the face of a teenager although her ID said she was 21. The mother-to-be, it turned out, had been brought up in one of the most expensive and exclusive neighborhoods on Long Island.

The boyfriend had probably not grown up in affluent circumstances. He had face and neck tattoos advertising gang affiliations and a long, wide scar on his abdomen that you could see through his wife-beater tank top. There was also a big gold chain that matched the grill on his teeth. We could only guess how their paths had crossed and how it had come about that she decided to have his baby in the bathroom of a place known for its belly bombers. It was his fifth, as he proudly liked to tell everyone from time to time.

The dad-to-be-for-the-fifth-time was ecstatic. It was his great idea to have the baby at the exact location where the baby had been conceived. He couldn’t understand why no one else thought it was a fresh, fun, original idea.

“Last month she was here, in the bathroom,” he said. “We thought the kid was gonna drop. But it was a false alarm and then we thought, how cool it would be if it had happened here.”

This time, though, they had planned it out by bringing with them a few towels, a baby blanket, and a hemorrhoid donut.

“We never wanted to have him in a traditional hospital,” said the girlfriend.

“People have their babies all time in different places,” said the boyfriend. “In kiddie pools, in their living rooms. We come here a lot,” he winked at his girl, “why not at the White Castles?” His vast experience as a father of four, as he fondly told us repeatedly, gave him more than enough ability to assist with the birth. He didn’t think they would have any difficulties.

“If we do,” he said, “we’ll call you back.”

Good lord…

When asked about pre-natal care she said that she had seen an ob-gyn but he was affiliated with a hospital on the eastern end of Long Island and it was much too far away. She said it was never even a consideration. Her boyfriend had had a bad experience in one. “A hospital is for sick people and I’m not sick. Having a baby is a natural experience. Bad things happen in hospitals and I don’t want my baby to be surrounded by a toxic environment as soon as he’s born.” I felt the bacterium swimming around in our surroundings constituted a toxic environment but I suppose she was being metaphorical.

Some of the people who were sitting and eating expressed support for this unusual set up. “What’s the big deal?” they asked. One woman got up and walked out in disgust, though. Who would have thought it would be so difficult to convince someone not to have their baby in a restroom?

“We even told the manager that we would name the baby after the restaurant if they let us do it.” said the boyfriend. This caused a sharp change in the girlfriends demeanor.

“Only the middle name, not the first!” she said.

I tried pointing out the complications that could happen and why a hospital would be the better choice. I told her to think about how many people had stepped on that floor only 3 inches below her inflatable donut seat. Consider the commitment a part-time minimum wage earning employee has to sanitizing a rest room utilized by junkies, I asked, hoping the visualizations I was creating were having an effect. When she cried out in pain I pointed out that the hospital could be helpful with pain management.

“She don’t need no pain management,” said the boyfriend. “Pain is what happens when you have a baby. I should know, I had four of them. It’s perfectly normal.” It seemed interesting to me that an apparent pharmaceutical entrepreneur was rejecting pain management.

We all just looked at each other with blank expressions. Even the strangers eating nearby, if they were within earshot, had the same expression. Support for the bathroom birth was dwindling. I could tell that even the girlfriend’s enthusiasm for the idea was waning as well.

I was curious if his other children had been born outside the hospital and he said no. Apparently, the other baby mothers in his life had all been vanilla in their approach to birthing. That’s why he loved this one more.

We spent a little more time arguing the pros and cons of hospital vs bathroom floor. The contractions increased and the woman eventually consented. This upset the father greatly.

“Oh come on!” he cried. “We had it all planned out. Think of how we could tell everyone we did something no one else did.”

“There’s a reason no one did it,” we pointed out.

Eventually he resigned himself to the idea that his trailblazing scheme had fallen through. He seemed so dejected and sad. He was going to have to settle for his kid being born in a sterile facility assisted by professionals with years of training and experience. It wouldn’t be anything to brag about, sadly.

The fast-food chain would have to abandon the marketing potential of a new name trend for babies. Everything had changed. Priorities were shifted. He decided he would meet her at the hospital later. He suddenly remembered he had other things to do.

En route to the hospital the woman told us he probably wouldn’t meet her at the hospital. He probably wouldn’t even visit. She didn’t seem too upset by this and said she understood why he was disappointed.

The staff at Labor and Delivery was friendly and encouraging and the mother-to-be seemed a little taken aback by the whole triage assessment and care process. She became more comfortable and seemed at ease with her change of heart.

The hospital staff was delighted to learn that they had beat out one of the biggest food franchises to bring this baby into the world. It led to big debates as the staff argued the merits of one chain over the other as they tried to figure out what to get for their next meal break.

While one of the nurses was helping us wheel her into one of the rooms she expressed distaste for their choice of restaurant. “It’s not even good fast food. That should have been the first red flag about your relationship,” she told her. “You should have tried harder to find a better man to be a single mother with. Someone who won’t feed your kids garbage when you drop them off on alternating weekends.”