When I came on the job as an inexperienced, naive EMT I had little idea how things worked in the real world. I was lucky to be partnered with a person who was already a legend throughout the service. He wasn’t only good at being an EMT, he knew how the job worked, how the city operated and he had a diverse skill set that was often invaluable. He taught me many, many things but one of the most satisfying was something he liked to call “administrative terrorism”.

It was unfortunate, but I came to find out that some of our supervisors lacked many of the important verbal communication skills needed to motivate poorly-paid civil service subordinates. The reward structure that traditional jobs rely on to motivate their employees (bonuses, raises, and other benefits) doesn’t exist for us and rather than get creative many chose the route of bullying and berating; negative reinforcement at its worst. Administrative terrorism was born as a creative way to handle uncreative supervisors, turning a negative situation into something entertaining. It also broke up the day if you were bored. I was privileged to learn from the master.

One of our lieutenants that used all the tactics in the negative reinforcement playbook was someone I’ll call Lt. Pat. Lt. Pat was obviously taunted as a child and used his new position of authority to make up for the wrongs inflicted upon him in the past. He was wildly incompetent and somewhat comical for us, even without the encouragement our karmic acts of rebellion brought out. Lt Pat desperately sought the approval of those higher up which made him an easy target for my partner whose many talents included being able to imitate the chief in charge’s voice over the telephone.

One day, chosen completely at random my partner asked me to hang around the front of the office and report back to him later what occurred. I didn’t know it at the time but my partner had surreptitiously unplugged the fax machine a little while earlier. Mr. Pat was at the desk and due to hearing difficulty he kept the phone volume up to a level where I, and anyone within a 2 mile radius, could hear. The phone rang, Lt Pat answered in his authoritative manner.

“Hello. Lt. Pat? It’s Chief McAllen,” I could hear my partner say in his best Chief McAllen voice. ” I’ll be sending over a report through the fax machine. I’ll need you to answer a few questions at the end of it and fax it right back”.

“No problem, Chief,” Lt Pat answered confidently. “I’ll take care of it right away.” He continued with whatever he had been doing at his desk for a little while until another call came through.

“Pat?” my partner said. “I’m waiting on that report.”

“I’m sorry, Chief but nothing’s come over.” He answered.

“Ok. I’ll send it again.”

More time went by. Nothing came over the machine, of course. Another phone call was made.

“Pat. I don’t know if I stressed this enough to you but this is somewhat urgent. I need your answered questionnaire pronto.”

“I’m sorry Chief, but still, nothing has come over the fax machine. Perhaps you better send it again.” Lt. Pat sounded contrite.

“Ok Pat”, he said. “But make sure this thing gets done. Drop anything else and send it over right away.”

At this point Lt. Pat stopped everything he was doing and watched the machine. As someone who liked to limit the movement of his considerable girth he chose to not to get up and check out the machine directly, but he stared at it. He also looked at the clock somewhat nervously but of course, no paper, no sound came from the fax machine.

“Lt. Pat,” came the next call. “I sent this report out to 5 supervisors and I have 4 questionnaires sitting on my desk right now. Guess which one I’m missing?” He sounded exactly the right level of angry you could expect from Chief McAllen. “I’ve sent this time over about 5 times. Are you telling me you haven’t received even ONE?”

“But I haven’t!” said Lt. Pat. He sounded like a little schoolboy at this point. A nervous little schoolboy.

“Pat,” the chief voice replied. “You checked the machine, didn’t you? Nothing’s jammed? Receiver not off the hook?”

Lt. Pat finally made it over to the machine, phone in hand. The unplugged cord was situated in a very obvious way on the side of the table it was on which did not face the lieutenant desk. Lt Pat picked up the cord and dejectedly reported that he had found the problem.

“Was it turned off?” He said, in a rather condescending tone.

“It wasn’t plugged in…” At least he was honest. I have learned on this job that honesty is not the virtue that it is elsewhere. They pretend that it’s important but it’s rarely rewarded.

An exasperated ‘Chief McAllen’ hung up. As Lt. Pat scrambled to plug in the machine my partner strolled in with a piece of paper.

“Hey there, Lt Pat,” he said cheerfully. “Would it be OK if I fax”ed this dental form in to the union office? I’m having a root canal–” he was immediately cut off.

“NO!” Lt. Pat screamed. “NO! STAY AWAY FROM THE FAX MACHINE! I’m waiting for something! No one goes near the machine! No one!”

My partner flashed me a smirky grin with his back to Lt. Pat.

“Wait until he calls back the division to speak to the chief again.” He told me later. “No one will have any idea what he’s talking about. Whatever statistical anomaly they’re focused on right now will be put on the back burner for at least a week.”